The Breakup of a Band

I’m bored today, and that can lead to many things. After doing such unthinkable things such as playing Bubble Spinner and Spite Cannon at the same time, driving all the way to St. Olaf to pick up my sister (okay, that’s actually in the realm of reasonableness), and doing research for a future blog post in an attempt to understand why the Twins love their “innings eaters”, I settled on something that I should have tackled earlier last week.

With the departure of Michael Cuddyer, our favorite Twins satire band, Cuddy and the Lawn Mauers, is no more.

What is a band without a frontman? Well, nothing. No one is going to want to watch or listen to just The Lawn Mauers. They have no leadership or excitement. All they do is shrug their shoulders and ground out to second base. Michael Cuddyer is what made such hits as “Bandbox Hero” and my personal favorite of any baseballing satire musical act, “Outdoor Subsidy,” as awesome as they were. Why? Because he had the “it” factor. Without Cuddy, “Outdoor Subsidy” becomes just a boring old “Bohemian Rhapsody” as the Lawn Mauers look at their drumsticks, their electric guitars, and think, “Maybe I should have just called in sick today.”

Who can take over? Who will lead the Lawn Mauers into the new year? There are some newcomers in Josh Willingham, Jamey Carroll, and Ryan Doumit. They could take the easy route and promote one of the Lawn Mauers, Justin Morneau, to lead singer. Hell, he’s even got a Cuddy-like nickname with “Morny.” Morny and the Lawn Mauers. It sort of works. But is there a name with a better ring to it? Perhaps the Lawn Mauers should be scrapped altogether? Yes, they could be scrapped. If there’s one thing the Lawn Mauers are, it’s scrappy.

Or maybe they should just move on without having a new member. After all, it has been over a year since they came out with “Bandbox Hero.” Maybe it’s just time to make a new song.

Yes, that sounds best. All of it. What’s that? You have no idea what’s going on?

That’s okay. This past season, no one knew what the hell was going on.

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