An Apology, Cont.

Dear Brian Duensing,

I’ve already apologized to you before. Alas, it still wasn’t enough. You continue to amaze and impress. You make me feel like I am not worthy to be in your presence in Target Field, much like Wayne and Garth felt that they were not worthy to be in the presence of Alice Cooper.

Last year, while you were in the bullpen, you were rather blasé. But once you moved into the rotation, you became excellent. This year, you continued your excellence, and you have only become better now that you are once again a starting pitcher.

Francisco Liriano is a great pitcher, and Carl Pavano with his Luigi mustache has become a close second.*

* I know that Mario is the better known brother, but you must agree that Carl looks much more like Luigi than he does Mario. If Jose Mijares used Sammy Sosa’s skin-whitening cream and grew a mustache, then he would look like Mario.

Before the season started, I would have rated our starting pitchers like so:

1. Francisco Liriano

2. Scott Baker

3. Carl Pavano

4. Kevin Slowey

5. Nick Blackburn

You have forced your way onto this list. Currently, it is now…

1. Francisco Liriano

2. Carl Pavano

3. Brian Duensing

4. Scott Baker

5. Kevin Slowey

… and although it will be tough to crack the Top 2, you can certainly draw even with Super Luigi Pavano if you keep painting masterpieces like you did Saturday night.

I don’t know if you love me, but I certainly love you. In fact, if you did love me back, then we could say that we have guy love between two guys, just like J.D. and Turk from Scrubs. It might be awkward, but we’ll shrug it off.

Keep up the good work. You’ve got the support of at least one million strong, including myself.

Guy love,



2 Responses to “An Apology, Cont.”

  1. Ben Says:

    I have a feeling that new list is going to look silly in hindsight. I expect Baker and Slowey to be much better in the long run.

    • Andrew Says:

      Perhaps, but it’s going to be awfully tough to beat Pavano and Liriano. I feel like it’s a better chance that we’ll have this:

      T1. Liriano, Pavano
      T3. Duensing, Baker, Slowey

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