Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Conspiracy Theorists Believe Metrodome Collapse Was No Accident

December 12, 2010

Disclaimer

Early Sunday morning, the roof of the Metrodome in Minneapolis, MN collapsed under 15 inches of snow. Because of the collapse, the Minnesota Vikings had their game against the New York Giants that was originally rescheduled for Monday night to be moved to Ford Field in Detroit, MI. Despite the move, some people don’t believe the snowfall was entirely to blame.

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Randy Moss’ First Self-Conducted Interview

November 3, 2010

Disclaimer

Sunday night after the Minnesota Vikings lost to the New England Patriots, 28-18, Vikings receiver Randy Moss broke a 3-week silence towards the media when he announced that all of his future press conferences for the year would be conducted by himself. That’s right, the media wouldn’t need to ask him any questions – he was going to do that himself. He was eventually released by the Vikings on Monday, and it was announced on Wednesday that Moss had been claimed off waivers by the Tennessee Titans.  Late Wednesday night, Moss was true to his word as he held his first self-conducted interview. We are the first to get a hold of the transcript of his interview, which is below.

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The Hater’s Guide To The 2010 New York Yankees

October 9, 2010

Note: This is a blatant knock-off of Deadspin’s “The Hater’s Guide to the _____” series. Their most recent post is located here.

It’s official, the Twins have been eliminated from the playoffs once again by the New York Yankees. I swear, just once it would be nice to play someone like the Los Angeles Angels or the Oakland Athletics or the Boston Red Sox, so instead of losing to Bryce Harper’s favorite baseball team (Warning! Harper will join Yankees within the next 3-7 years, just like every other uber-talent in the major leagues), the Twins could lose to a team that at least gives us false hope that we can win the series.

Now on to the hating!

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Warning: Beware of Yankee Fans

October 6, 2010

Opening a new ballpark makes it very tough to purchase tickets for just about anyone. I have been privileged with working at Target Field during its inaugural season, meaning that I did not have to fight for tickets. I got to see some of the greatest Twins moments in 2010: Jim Thome’s walkoff against Matt Thornton, Alex Rios’ throw to nowhere, Michael Cuddyer’s tag of Kelly Shoppach that was apparently not a tag (hey, a great moment isn’t necessarily a good moment), among others.

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I Should Have Done 5 More Pushups This Morning…

July 10, 2010

Ever since the month of May ended, the Twins have been going through a rather rough stretch. After holding a commanding lead of the AL Central, they have now fallen to *gasp* 3rd place, and yet they only have….oh man, HALF THE SEASON left to go? They’re never going to make it!

Along with the recent news that Cliff Lee is off to receive the Nolan Ryan treatment in Texas, Twins fans are rather frustrated right now. Well… the players are frustrated as well. Clearly they can’t be happy with losing all these games, but another issue has been the lack of home runs at Target Field. Apparently averaging one and a half home runs per game between you and your opponent isn’t enough for fans or the players. Everyone would much rather see video game-quantity home runs. Unfortunately, that’s just not going to happen. The Minnesota Twins are here to express their frustration with being unable to send baseballs to Souvenir City. Thus, here is their newest song, to Foreigner’s “Jukebox Hero.”

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Fixing Brendan Harris

June 6, 2010

If you watched the 8th inning of Sunday’s game against the Athletics, you were treated to this at-bat by Brendan Harris.

If you remember, Harris flinched at the second pitch…which was a strike. You may also note that this was not the first time that Harris flinched at a strike on the inside corner. I have an idea that if Harris would stop shivering in his cleats every at-bat, that he might be able to bat higher than .200. Therefore, here is my program that will hopefully be adopted by the Twins coaching staff to help Harris learn to be a man in the batter’s box.

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Season Preview: Minnesota Twins

April 24, 2010

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know how late this is. I was planning on doing previews for all 5 AL Central teams, but rewriting Fergie’s awful* “Big Girls Don’t Cry” for the Kansas City Royals burned me out on doing the other 4 teams for a while. However, there was good news, since I had been working on the Twins song for several months now with my girlfriend Abby, so when I revisited it, the song was already 80% completed. Plus, the poor reviews on GB Leighton’s “Twins Territory” song made me feel like I had to fix this injustice. I figured that I had to use a song that was a classic; one that everyone likes.

* Awful in the sense that it was difficult to rewrite lyrics.

I bring to you a song that has made me laugh many times and caused me to wish that I had Weird Al Yankovic at my side to turn this into a real song. It’s even more awesome than Keizo Konishi’s apology to Joe Mauer. To Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” I give to you…

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Selig To Span: “Stop Hurting Fans”

April 23, 2010

Disclaimer

For most of the past decade, the Minnesota Twins lacked a true leadoff hitter. There was a time where outfielder Jacque Jones would hit first, but his lack of patience made him a poor fit. The Twins then traded for outfielder Shannon Stewart, and he briefly filled the hole well until his power and speed dissipated. There was even a time where Milwaukee Brewers center fielder Carlos Gomez was at the top of the lineup, but only his speed was a positive contribution. Then, the Twins finally discovered Denard Span in 2008. Although he was a first round pick and widely considered to be the successor to Torii Hunter, he was viewed as a minor league bust until his first call-up to the major leagues to replace Michael Cuddyer. He hit well upon arrival, and eventually wrestled the leadoff spot away from Gomez and became the hitter the Twins had been missing at the top of the lineup.

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AL Central Preview – Kansas City Royals

March 31, 2010

Disclaimer (since K-Bro loves seeing this link)

With the season about to start, we begin to be bombarded by multiple opinions of how the standings will look by the end of the season. Well, that’s far too common for my tastes, so I’ve decided to take another route. Doing what I occasionally do best, I will present to you my idea of how the AL Central will look at the end of the season in the format of song parodies. However, forget about me telling you everything you need to know other than where they’ll finish…I’ll let the teams themselves tell you how they feel about this year! The order will go from worst to best, so as you can assume, this post will be focusing on my prediction for who will finish 5th in the AL Central this year…the Kansas City Royals. Their song will be sung to Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” Let’s see if Rick Ankiel, Jason Kendall, and Co. have what it takes to truly back up the belief that they had the GREATEST OFFSEASON EVER.

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Jim Souhan Hijacked My Blog

March 23, 2010

Disclaimer

*surfs Internet, stumbles upon this*

*notices particular comment made by Assistant GM Rob Antony, gets idea*

*grabs phone, dials extension number*

Hey Pat, it’s Jim. I’m doing well, you? Good to hear. Say, I’ve got a question for you. I was on my computer and I noticed this Q&A done by this guy named Parker Hageman.

Well, *deep breath* he’s a blogger. Yeah, I know. Just hear me out.

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