I Should Have Done 5 More Pushups This Morning…

Ever since the month of May ended, the Twins have been going through a rather rough stretch. After holding a commanding lead of the AL Central, they have now fallen to *gasp* 3rd place, and yet they only have….oh man, HALF THE SEASON left to go? They’re never going to make it!

Along with the recent news that Cliff Lee is off to receive the Nolan Ryan treatment in Texas, Twins fans are rather frustrated right now. Well… the players are frustrated as well. Clearly they can’t be happy with losing all these games, but another issue has been the lack of home runs at Target Field. Apparently averaging one and a half home runs per game between you and your opponent isn’t enough for fans or the players. Everyone would much rather see video game-quantity home runs. Unfortunately, that’s just not going to happen. The Minnesota Twins are here to express their frustration with being unable to send baseballs to Souvenir City. Thus, here is their newest song, to Foreigner’s “Jukebox Hero.”

Season Preview: Minnesota Twins

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know how late this is. I was planning on doing previews for all 5 AL Central teams, but rewriting Fergie’s awful* “Big Girls Don’t Cry” for the Kansas City Royals burned me out on doing the other 4 teams for a while. However, there was good news, since I had been working on the Twins song for several months now with my girlfriend Abby, so when I revisited it, the song was already 80% completed. Plus, the poor reviews on GB Leighton’s “Twins Territory” song made me feel like I had to fix this injustice. I figured that I had to use a song that was a classic; one that everyone likes.

* Awful in the sense that it was difficult to rewrite lyrics.

I bring to you a song that has made me laugh many times and caused me to wish that I had Weird Al Yankovic at my side to turn this into a real song. It’s even more awesome than Keizo Konishi’s apology to Joe Mauer. To Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” I give to you…

AL Central Preview – Kansas City Royals

Disclaimer (since K-Bro loves seeing this link)

With the season about to start, we begin to be bombarded by multiple opinions of how the standings will look by the end of the season. Well, that’s far too common for my tastes, so I’ve decided to take another route. Doing what I occasionally do best, I will present to you my idea of how the AL Central will look at the end of the season in the format of song parodies. However, forget about me telling you everything you need to know other than where they’ll finish…I’ll let the teams themselves tell you how they feel about this year! The order will go from worst to best, so as you can assume, this post will be focusing on my prediction for who will finish 5th in the AL Central this year…the Kansas City Royals. Their song will be sung to Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” Let’s see if Rick Ankiel, Jason Kendall, and Co. have what it takes to truly back up the belief that they had the GREATEST OFFSEASON EVER.

Smith’s Patience

I apologize for yet another song so shortly after the previous one, but this offseason has been rather slow for Twins fans. Jack Steal from Fanatic Jack Talks Twins is clearly frustrated by the lack of activity, when it feels like every other team around the Twins is working to improve their own teams. He’s drawing the ire from other people due to his impatience, but it’s hard to remain patient when there are several holes to fill and Bill Smith doesn’t seem to show any concern about filling any of those. Hell, a Joe Mauer contract extension is probably what everyone wants, but as far as we know, the Twins and Mauer aren’t even discussing it at the moment. So, while I do not have a funny yet bogus story as a background to this song (because the story is practically entirely truthful), I do have a song anyway. To Audioslave’s “Like A Stone,” I give you a song about Bill Smith and sitting tight until Spring Training:

Hattaway’s Disgust

Disclaimer: 1

I forgot to share with you all, but on Wednesday I had an interview with the Minnesota Twins to be an usher for 2010. I had to go to the offices behind the main ticket office at the Metrodome, where I waited for about 10 minutes before my interviewers showed up. I was taken into one of the suites* inside the stadium, which was pretty cool and I would have stared at the field (halfway between the football and baseball conversion) if I wasn’t trying to convince two guys to hire me.

* PS: There’s a hallway that’s almost hidden but clearly obvious when you see it that connects one of the concourses to the offices. Too bad the Twins won’t play in the Metrodome any longer, because I’d be on the lookout for that hallway every time I’d get the chance.

Span’s Cry

Disclaimer: 1

I recall a single Twins game that I was at this past season where I had lower level tickets. I don’t remember the opponent or who won, but rather a single incident in the game. You see, Denard Span was standing on 2nd base, eager to come home and score. However, he knew that Orlando Cabrera, the #2 hitter, would not succeed in achieving such a goal, so during the entire Cabrera at-bat (he fouled off 10 pitches or something), you could hear Span singing a little song from the infield to the tune of Semisonic’s “Closing Time.”

Konishi’s Lament

Disclaimer: 1

After many people clicked on their links stating that Joe Mauer had won the AL MVP and read through the subsequent article, they noticed a peculiar anomaly. Mauer had only received 27 of a possible 28 first place votes! After some research or scouring the Internet, it was soon determined that the rogue voter was Keizo Konishi of Kyodo News in Seattle. Upon learning of this, I personally emailed him and (probably because my email wasn’t hate-laced) got a response back from him admitting that he regretted giving his 1st place vote to Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers instead. With the email, he attached a file of himself singing an apology for his vote to the tune of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone.” If you don’t know the song, use this as a reference, and then listen a second time and follow along with Konishi’s lyrics. Here is the translated version: