Season Preview: Minnesota Twins

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know how late this is. I was planning on doing previews for all 5 AL Central teams, but rewriting Fergie’s awful* “Big Girls Don’t Cry” for the Kansas City Royals burned me out on doing the other 4 teams for a while. However, there was good news, since I had been working on the Twins song for several months now with my girlfriend Abby, so when I revisited it, the song was already 80% completed. Plus, the poor reviews on GB Leighton’s “Twins Territory” song made me feel like I had to fix this injustice. I figured that I had to use a song that was a classic; one that everyone likes.

* Awful in the sense that it was difficult to rewrite lyrics.

I bring to you a song that has made me laugh many times and caused me to wish that I had Weird Al Yankovic at my side to turn this into a real song. It’s even more awesome than Keizo Konishi’s apology to Joe Mauer. To Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” I give to you…

Cuddy and the Lawn Mauers, “Outdoor Subsidy”

Is this outdoor life?
This must be ecstasy
The Dome caused lost pride
An escape now, oh, finally
When fly balls rise
Look up to the skies and see

We’ve lost our poor ploy
Opened our checkbook, see?
Because we want some runs off our foe
Pitch it high, Pitch it low
Feel the way the wind blows
Outdoors really matters to me, to me

Gardy, just signed a man
Put a pen into his hand
Brought his teammate from his land
Gardy, season’s just begun
And here’s our song, don’t throw it all away

Redmond, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo
Didn’t mean to make you cry
Take your Naked Walks elsewhere tomorrow
Moving on, moving on
Improving us really matters

It’s late, my time has come
A double down the line
Body’s shaking all the time
Hello, everybody
I’ve made The Show
Gotta hit home runs all the way to Duluth
Kubel, ooo, ooo, ooo, you’re just too damn shy
You should speak up like Gordon’s home run call

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Nick Punto, Nick Punto
Will you do the glove tango?
Head-first slides and diving
Very, very frightening me

(Neshek sidearms) Neshek sidearms
(Nathan rehabs) Nathan rehabs
Liriano, Pavano
Magnifico

I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
(He’s just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity)
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Glen Perkins, no!
We will not let you go
(Let him go!)
Glen Perkins!
We will not let you go
(Let him go!)
Glen Perkins!
We will not let you go
(Let me go!)
Will not let you go
(Let me go!)
Will not let you go
(Let me go!)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Oh, Gardenhire, Gardenhire
Gardenhire, let me go
GM Bill Smith has a new team put aside for me
For me, for me!

So you think you can stone me by throwing it high?
So you think you can glove it and beat us all nigh’?
Oh, baby
Can you get enough, Twins fans?
Just got to punch out
Just got to punch ‘em outta here

Ooo, yeah, ooo, yeah
The Twins got some batters
Anyone can see
Defense really matters
Outdoors really matters to me

Anyway the year goes

6 Responses to “Season Preview: Minnesota Twins”

  1. Laura Says:

    Sure you don’t want to go to school to be a writer? =P

  2. Catching Up « Off The Mark Says:

    […] I forgot to mention this when I first posted it, but my Twins preview song was not written just by myself. I also received help from my girlfriend Abby, as she was far more […]

  3. The Breakup of a Band « Off The Mark Says:

    […] hits as “Bandbox Hero” and my personal favorite of any baseballing satire musical act, “Outdoor Subsidy,” as awesome as they were. Why? Because he had the “it” factor. Without Cuddy, […]

  4. Off The Mark Says:

    […] I should do for next season, and I’ll put as much of my heart and soul into it as I did when I made “Outdoor Subsidy.” I can’t think of anything else that could appropriately describe how I feel about regular […]

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