Hattaway’s Disgust

Disclaimer: 1

I forgot to share with you all, but on Wednesday I had an interview with the Minnesota Twins to be an usher for 2010. I had to go to the offices behind the main ticket office at the Metrodome, where I waited for about 10 minutes before my interviewers showed up. I was taken into one of the suites* inside the stadium, which was pretty cool and I would have stared at the field (halfway between the football and baseball conversion) if I wasn’t trying to convince two guys to hire me.

* PS: There’s a hallway that’s almost hidden but clearly obvious when you see it that connects one of the concourses to the offices. Too bad the Twins won’t play in the Metrodome any longer, because I’d be on the lookout for that hallway every time I’d get the chance.

Sorry, back on topic. While I was waiting for my interview, a man happened to walk into the lobby. He had an oddly familiar mustache and glasses, and when I looked closer, it turned out to be none other than Twins clubhouse attendant Wayne Hattaway.

Since this was the closest I’ve ever been to major league greatness, of course I had to talk to him. It turns out he’s a really friendly guy! I told him I had some time to kill, so he told me a story from this past season. We all know how common it is for us to hear about how great of a magician Michael Cuddyer is, but this masks the truth of his hobby. Hattaway told me that yes, Cuddy is a good magician, but even he has some times where he makes a mistake with his magic tricks. So there was this one day where Cuddy was trying to show off a new card trick to Wayne and Will, one of the laundry guys. But, his trick was not void of errors. With the music that gets played in the clubhouse, Hattaway gets exposed to a lot of music that isn’t from his era (eras? Just kidding, Wayne) so he chose to write his opinions as a version of Finger Eleven’s “Paralyzer,” (he told me he “doesn’t like that hip-hop crap”). When I heard this, I told Wayne about Off The Mark and how I’ve been collecting song parodies for a couple weeks now. Good thing I did, because as I was called into the suite, Hattaway pulled out a crumpled piece of paper with his lyrics. Now that I’m behind a computer again, here is his song:

Wayne Hattaway: “Mesmerizer”

I hold it so nervously, you give me a wink
I wish it would int’rest me
But so far it’s not been good
You’re not witty and I feel awkward, as I should
This trick has got to be the most pretentious thing
Yeah, since you roped in me
Well, you are imagining
A hidden ace, or your ace or my ace
Well I’m not mesmerized, Cuddy, the card I have’s a two
I wanna make you move, because you’re boring Will
If all magic matches what this trick can’t do
The Twins will wish they knew they have no use for you
I wish I could see a shrink, before I think
This thing ends regrettably
Well so far it’s not been fun
I should just go home, ’cause one show doesn’t mean one
This club is hopefully the last seen in weeks
That would be cool with me
But, you’re still imagining
A hidden ace, or your ace or my ace
Well I’m not mesmerized, Cuddy, the card I have’s a two
I wanna make you move, because you’re boring Will
If all magic matches what this trick can’t do
The Twins will wish they knew they have no use for you
Well I’m not mesmerized, Cuddy, the card I have’s a two
I wanna make you move, because you’re boring Will
If all magic matches what this trick can’t do
The Twins will wish they knew they have no use for you
Not mesmerized, Cuddy, the card I have’s a two
I wanna make you move, because you’re boring Will
If all magic matches what this trick can’t do
The Twins will wish they knew they have no use for you
The Twins will wish they knew they have no use for you
The Twins will wish they knew they have no use for you!

5 Responses to “Hattaway’s Disgust”

  1. Erin Says:

    Well, did you get the job? ‘Cuz that’d be totally awesome, but only if you let me sneak down into the good seats ;-) Actually, that would be awesome if you get to share more stories like this. I think I like Wayne Hattaway’s version of the song much better.

    • Andrew Says:

      I don’t know when I’ll find out if I’m hired or not. Apparently 300+ people are interviewing for the job (100+ are hired) and mine was during the 2nd week of interviews, so who knows how many more people they have to see before they start making their final selections.

      I can’t wait to pop my first beach ball :-P Actually, I’m happy to know that I would get paid to watch a Twins game!

  2. Josh Says:

    I’ve actually met Wayne Hattaway as well. He is a real great guy. Fingers crossed that you get the job… had no idea it was so competitive!

  3. Andrew Says:

    Sorry guys, I didn’t actually meet Wayne Hattaway. Everything after the “Read the rest of this post” link is false.

    Maybe I shouldn’t mix fantasy with reality in the future :-P

    Don’t feel bad though. I had a “Dickey’s Dickies” fake article that I fooled my sister and friend into thinking was true as well. It was briefly in the Pages section of the blog when I first started.

  4. Smith’s Patience « Off The Mark Says:

    [...] By Andrew I apologize for yet another song so shortly after the previous one, but this offseason has been rather slow for Twins fans. Jack Steal from Fanatic Jack Talks Twins [...]

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